The Bear: A Novel Read online

  We are quiet, listening. Then a stink comes and I think the black dog has come back. I wave my hand to put the air back outside the crack. It’s like the air has stopped coming in. Or Stick has hogged it all. I can’t get the air in my nose—it is too thick and full of stink. The air has trouble getting down my throat and I pull up my pj top to try and breathe its air. I put Gwen to my nose to sniff but she is getting clogged too.

  “Stick?”

  He doesn’t answer. He never does.

  “Did you poop?”

  “Yep.”

  “DADDY!”

  Daddy is gone again.

  I kick at Coleman’s metal tooth that hangs down the middle of his mouth. He is biting hard and he won’t let go. Coleman’s metal tooth is pointing to the sky because he is lying on his back when the black dog pushed. I wiggle around to put my mouth up to it and try and bite like the black dog. It is hard to reach and I have to put my knee on Stick’s stomach that squishes. Coleman’s tooth tastes like metal yuck and I can’t even hook my tooth because it is too short. I punch up with my hand and it gives me a red line on my knuckle. Daddy will be mad if I try to get out but the stink is too bad. I punch with my shoulder up and that hurts. Coleman’s tooth hooks around a metal thing that looks like his nose on the outside. I put my fingers outside the crack and try to reach the nose and it feels like I am trying to pick it. I hope Coleman doesn’t have snot and I laugh. But I can’t reach the nose and it hangs on to the metal tooth very tight.

  I need to get out of the stink. Gwen will get it on her and she will not smell right. I squint my eyes to make my brain see if Coleman has any other teeth or noses but I can’t think of any. Stick starts to kick me away from his stomach and I tell him to move.

  “Stop,” he says and pushes me.

  “I want to get out of your stink.”

  “Get out,” he says.

  “I’m trying.”

  I push and try to smoosh him right against the side of Coleman to get as far away from his stink as I can. He bunches up his thigh and kicks out with his foot. My chest is already sore and achy and he hits right at my heart. My breath goes whoosh out of my stomach and I hit the top of Coleman and fall to the side. My shoulder hits the back and there is a sharp tooth in it.

  “Ow,” I scream at Stick.

  I punch out and kick him and he screams and I don’t care. I kick more because that will make Daddy come. I kick and punch and Sticky is screaming so loud and it stinks and I am crying and the salt drips into my mouth. And my shoulder hurts a lot each time I move so I stop and lift my arm up so I can see. Stick kicks me more but stops when I don’t kick back and then just cries. I don’t care because I can see there is a red bang on the side of my arm and it is big. I can show that to Daddy when he wants to know who started it. This is Sticky’s fault. I look and there is a red mark from the rock in the side of Coleman’s mouth. Coleman is on his back and the rock on the side is pushing on my arm.

  Every time I wiggle the rock pushes me in the shoulder now. I try to move away from it because I feel really tired but the rock keeps kicking me too. But then I get closer to Stick’s poo so I wiggle back again. I don’t like the rock and it’s Daddy’s fault for putting it there. Daddy made a big red hole in my arm. I start to cry but I don’t do it out loud. That way Stick won’t think he won. I hate the rock and I bang it with my arm. Daddy is bad and Momma should come and snuggle because that’s what happens next. Momma yells almost not ever except maybe one time and another and she says she tries so hard not to. I know and so I give her a hug and put my fingers on her cheek where it is soft. Sticky looks asleep because he is so small and he doesn’t care. He’s almost not a baby anymore but he still is and bugging me. Where is my snuggle from Momma if Daddy didn’t leave for a long time just short? That’s what I get a snuggle for because I am older than Stick and I know and it is sometimes my job to make Momma feel okay. And she says “I have you, Anna. You are so strong” and we stay in my bed and in the morning she is still snuggled in. Maybe Daddy isn’t gone. He will come soon if I just go to sleep. He doesn’t hate me. Momma said Daddy will come.

  I can’t wait so long. I don’t know if Daddy is coming this time. This time he isn’t coming back. The rock tooth just sits in Coleman’s mouth looking stupid and bugging me in the arm. I see that the rock is more inside Coleman than outside so I put my finger under it. I can wiggle the rock. Coleman is biting hard trying to hang on to the rock but his edges are grindy and a white piece of his lip comes off when I push. I wiggle around all the way and that is hard and I put all my fingers under the rock and lift up as hard as I can. One second I am lifting and I give a hard pull and I blink and I open my eyes and there is a loud snap and it is suddenly dark.

  It is dark but my eyes are open. Coleman has snapped his jaws shut.

  “Nana?” says Stick.

  Outside I hear a piece of metal fall and jingle bells on a rock.

  “Nana?”

  He says my name the wrong way round every time and no air and no crack and the stink is so bad my head is swimming because there is no extra room to breathe. I lean over to the side and then I fall down. The crack opens up and I turn to see blue. Stick and I are the eggs and someone whacked our shell against the edge and it got a line that split into more lines and now it broke. Coleman is cracked. We fall out.

  Cold air hits my nose and I am so so glad to have more air in my nose. The stink is less already. I try to straighten my legs and they are all fuzzy. It feels like my legs are stumps that got tied to my body. I straighten one out and then the other and I roll out from Coleman into the pine needles that are prickles. It is warm and the sun is hitting the pine needles and they make a nice place. I lie on my back and get the air back in my nose.

  I sit up and look over at Stick. He is sitting like a stump beside Coleman. I get worried that we are out of Coleman and we were supposed to stay in. That might make Daddy mad and he will stay away more. It wasn’t my fault because Coleman opened his mouth. I wonder if I should get back in. Coleman’s metal tooth has dropped off his head and is near a rock on the ground. He won’t be able to bite us back in. I feel glad because that’s not a good place to be. And I am still feeling glad that Daddy can’t be mad but then I see that Stick has a red bang on his cheek from when I punched him and I think that I will get in trouble so maybe Daddy will come back or maybe not. Stick is going to be in trouble for pooping. I don’t want to get in trouble. I want Daddy back.

  7.

  I look around and it’s mess mess mess. I didn’t make the mess. There are foods all over the ground like they were thrown. It wasn’t me. Someone took food and pushed it around the ground. I look down and see an apple and pick it up for a bite. It is good. Someone has already taken a bite and it was probably Stick because he does that and then puts them back in the bowl. Mom picks up the apple that Stick bit and shows it to him and says “Do we have a rat in the kitchen?” This bite is bigger than a rat’s or Sticky’s but I don’t care because I am hungry. I take a bite and it is good. A string of juice runs down my chin. I stick out my tongue and it’s apple juice. Yum. I am thirsty. More juice is nice and I wonder if I can stick a straw right into the apple and drink like that. I look around in the mess because I wonder if there is a straw but there isn’t because we don’t bring straws camping in a canoe.

  When we go camping in a canoe sometimes after we go across a lake there is a path. When Daddy is happy he picks up the canoe and carries it on his head. He shouts from inside and says he is Mr. Canoe Head and does a dance like with tap dancing shoes except he does it with his wet sneakers and his legs sticking out the bottom of the canoe. Stick and I laugh. He starts shouting about Mr. Canoe Head and walking around and it makes his voice big and echo and so that’s when it scares Stick. But I am older so I keep laughing. Momma takes the paddles and a bag on her back so that she looks like a turtle. The car isn’t here because we have gone in the canoe away from the car for a long time. Stick and I carry our life jackets and
I need to take Gwen. We walk on a path behind Mr. Canoe Head until we get to another lake. Mr. Canoe Head puts down the canoe and it becomes a boat again not a head and Daddy becomes him and not two legs. He tells us to wait and that’s where Momma and Stick and I play until Daddy comes back. Coleman is important because we only bring the food in Coleman and he knows how to keep animals out of our food so we still have breakfast. And we have more than breakfast because I see there are cookies that Momma made sitting on the ground. They are in a tin that I know because it always has cookies. I pick it up and there are little holes in the tin now. I think Stick tried to get into the tin with a stick. I put my fingers on the edge of the tin because I want a cookie but it is hard to pull. My fingers slip off and I try again. I can’t get a cookie and I drop the tin because I am mad and can’t see what else fell out of Coleman.

  I see a piece of meat on the ground and wrinkle up my nose because I think maybe it stinks. I wish I could smell Gwen instead and she is not in my hand. I look back and see I left her near Coleman all alone so I run and grab her and sniff. She’s almost back to normal smell but my eyes go back to the meat. It looks like when I opened the fridge and there was a big long piece that took up a lot of space. It was in a pan and I took a stool to look in and there was dripped blood and I didn’t like how it looked. My tummy made a little butterfly inside. Momma saw me looking and told me that I didn’t need to worry and that it was a leg. I wanted to know why we keep legs in the fridge and she said it was from a lamb but with no hoof still on and that’s why it had blood because lambs have blood inside them. And a lamb eating grass by a farm isn’t like this meat or the lamb in our fridge but the grass must go into its body and turn red. I don’t like legs or lambs in our fridge and I was glad when I looked the next day and it was gone. And I don’t like this meat that the black dog left all on the ground. It doesn’t have a hoof on it either and instead it has Daddy’s shoe and I don’t know why he would have stuck his shoe on the meat but maybe he was trying to help the lamb. There are flies on the meat because it should be in the fridge. There is no fridge and I hear my name.

  “Anna.”

  I look up and I don’t know the voice. There isn’t anyone else around the camp because I don’t know where my parents are.

  “Anna.”

  It’s not the wrong way round way like Stick says it. The voice is whispery soft like a ghost and I look up because it must be flying in the branches. I look up and walk a step closer to the place where the campfire is and look around because the ghosts will scare me. The whispery voice says something else and I know there are ghosts because no one who sounds like that knows my name. I look in the canoe that is sitting with its feet in the water over by the fire rocks and there are no ghosts inside. The black log in the fire has a little bit of white coming up from it and it looks like the tail of a ghost.

  “Anna.”

  The ghost whispers from the fire and makes my stomach butterfly jumpy so I bend my knees to sit and hug them and sniff Gwen.

  “Here, sweetie. Look.”

  I turn my head and I see Momma is lying in the plants. There is a flat circle in the camp that is covered by needles and then there is a part with plants that people don’t walk around so it’s the part where the plants stay. I can’t see Momma but I can see the bottom of her foot. Or it’s not her foot but it is her shoe. A special shoe that is good for going in a canoe because I should always wear shoes when I am camping. I look down and my feet are standing in the needles and they don’t have shoes on them. Little piggy toes sit at the end of my feet and they look pink. Piggy pink. I don’t want to put on my shoes I want my mom to put on my shoes. I can’t find my shoes and I haven’t looked because she will ask but it’s too much mess mess mess and my shoes are by the door and there is no door.

  My mom has her shoes on because I see one standing up in the plants. The toe points to the sky. These are shoes that you can get wet and they won’t stink. They have rubber that helps her not slip on rocks. Even though she did slip on a rock when she was helping Stick to get out of the canoe. He is a heavy little fella and they went tip and the canoe got water in it because the rubber didn’t stay on the rock. Stick cried. Momma put him on the side of the water and he got to sit in her lap and cry even though he wasn’t really hurt. She hugged him with both her arms around so he was in the warm and soft place and she rocked and said “It’s okay; it’s okay.” Stick cried even though it didn’t hurt anymore because he loves sitting on Momma. When he stopped crying she asked him if it was all better and he said “You okay, Momma?” and put his hand on her cheek. He got even more hugs when it should have been my turn. I have to walk there and Momma is not coming here. She would come if it was Stick so that’s not fair. The special shoe is sitting up in the plant and it is not far away and I don’t like the fire knowing my name.

  “That’s my momma,” I whisper to the ghost.

  I don’t want the ghost to follow when I walk into the plants and I think of poison ivy. It looks like every other plant and has green leaves that are shiny like all of them everywhere. Momma should be careful. But she doesn’t move and then I am beside her and I look and there is blood and I get so scared that my heart jumps in my throat and a frog is in my mouth. She is hiding a little bit in leaves and maybe that is to cover up the blood so I won’t see it but I can.

  “Anna, it’s okay,” she whispers and her sound is not hers. “Come here, sweetie.”

  “Blood.”

  “It’s okay; it’s okay.” She closes her eyes and it feels like a really long time and I wonder if she fell asleep and then when I’m going to shout to wake her up the eyes pop open. “Come close to me.”

  The blood is on her neck and in her shirt and it is ripped and she looks like not Momma but a doll. The doll that she had when she was a baby with eyelids that open and shut and a stare that only goes through the wall and not at your eyes. And skin that is dirty and feels too much like apples.

  “It’s okay. Come so you can hear me.”

  I bend down and it is still Momma and when I do she is cold but she still smells Momma. I put my cheek close to hers and I feel better because the ghosts won’t come when I am close. She doesn’t need to talk to them or do the ghost dance or turn back on the lights. Ghosts just know.

  So I sit with my cheek touching hers and I am finally safe and I start to feel hot tears because of all the yelling and I’m hungry and tired and Coleman wasn’t good and Daddy is so mad he is staying away. And hot tears come out and so does snot and my breath goes huff because I am so glad that I am safe now and can sit with my cheek on Momma’s cheek. I hear a little sniffle and I look and her eyes are teary too. I watch one water fill up and then it slides out the slanty side and down the side of her face and into her hair. Yellow hair that goes out over the plants and shines more than a leaf. She has blue eyes that are like mine even if everyone says Sticky looks more like her so when I look in her eyes it’s like I can see what mine look like on my head. Same color. We checked in the bathroom mirror when I stood on the sink and she held me so I wouldn’t fall and we leaned in and looked at our eyes up close. The color of our eyes is called blue but is really gray with a piece of darker blue around the outside and then lighter color in the middle. Except not as much in the middle as the black part that is a hole that I see through. Sticky has the same eyes too. Both of us have Momma’s eyes in our head. And she looks at me and she doesn’t wipe her tears. That is usually what she does even though she doesn’t cry very many times. But she wipes tears quickly because then I can’t see and maybe she hides them and no one knows the secret of crying. She is crying and she doesn’t hide the secret of me crying by trying to take my tears away.

  “Where’s Alex?” she whispers.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Have you seen him?” Her eyes roll around in her head.

  “In Coleman.”

  “Is he there?”

  I want Momma to use her normal voice and not a whisper that sounds like
she swallowed bark and to put her arms around me for a rock and hug and sing.

  “Please, Anna. Look for me.”

  I look over at the tent. It is ripped with a big slash and so that says why Daddy yelled because he would not like a rip in the tent. Through the slash I see something moving. It is inside the tent and pushing things.

  “Something is in the tent.”

  “What?” Momma says wispy. “What is it?”

  I look more and the side of the tent pushes a bit and wiggles and a little bit of flapping. I don’t know what it is inside the tent and I see Stick’s little round head peeking through the rip. “Stick is playing in the tent.”

  “Oh, thank God.” She is gaspy. “He’s okay?”

  “No.”

  “Is he hurt?”

  “No; he has a poop.”

  “Thank God.”

  It is funny that she thanks God for Stick’s poop. Usually she shrugs and says that he should remember to use the toilet because soon he is nearly three years old and it is a good age for in the toilet. His poop is big like a moose poop because it’s too big for a diaper and yuck. But he forgets and wants a diaper. And that means he gets Momma to pick him up and snuggle. I have to go and get a clean diaper and sometimes wipes and a bag to put them in for the garbage and no snuggle at all. Momma says that he will learn when he is ready. I don’t think he will because he wants all the snuggles for him. Ever.

  “You need to change his diaper,” I say because that is what happens next.

  “No,” she says and it’s soft so I can barely hear.

  “I will get a diaper.”

  “That doesn’t matter.”

  But I know it does because it always matters.

  “Is Daddy—”

  “Daddy is mad.”

  “—there?”

  “He is so mad he is staying away.”

  “Can you see him?”