The Bear: A Novel Read online

  “Naked naked naked,” I say and I wiggle my bum.

  He laughs even harder and wiggles his bum and his dingle wiggles too but it is such a shrinky dink that it doesn’t wiggle so much. So I wiggle my bum more. “Bum bum bum.”

  “Bum,” he says laughing.

  I know I can make Stick laugh and laugh and it is like I am doing a job like a babysitter now because he is having fun. I start going in a circle and then I pretend to fall which is his most favorite and I go sideways in the sand and make it look like a cartoon when a head gets bonked with stars. “Boing boing.”

  And Stick laughs and laughs like when it’s really funny and he starts to walk around and his head rolls because it is so funny and his eyes are tearing but not tears like he is sad. They look like the same tears but they aren’t when you laugh and they come from a different place like they drip out from your throat and through your eyes. Tears when you are sad drip up from your heart. Stick has laughing tears and they squeeze out of his eyes and down his face. I bum-waggle again and again.

  “Boing boing.” I fall down and roll around in the sand.

  That makes Stick laugh so hard that he can’t stand up anymore and he falls down and says “Bong” in the sand. I roll and so he rolls too and we are getting sand on our skin because it is a bit wet and it sticks. I stand up and I am the sand monster.

  “Roar!”

  Stick takes a big clump and smacks it on his belly. It sticks there too even though the belly is so round and white. I try again and smack more on my leg. We start to smack more and more and we look like real monsters now. Stick starts to pile the sand on his hair and I rub some on his head too. I keep smooshing sand and get some from a pile that is more like mud. His hair isn’t yellow anymore and his skin isn’t white. He looks like a real-life sand monster and I can only tell it is still him because his eyes still poke out from all the sand. And I start getting it on my head too because that part looks cool and Jessica would think so too but she isn’t here. We keep piling sand and mud on our bodies and then smacking it on each other and it might be bad or it might be good. We get to keep doing it and get as dirty as we want and it is so fun to pile sand all over and I keep doing more and more and more but no one tells us to stop. I wish Jessica was here. We play so many times.

  Jessica has eight Barbies and they live in her room. I have no Barbies and I cried about it and so Momma said we could go to see Jessica’s at her house one day. At Jessica’s house there is one man Barbie. His name is Ken. Jessica says he counts as nine but I say no because he has a beard that you can stick on his face and take off. Ken has shorts like Jessica’s dad Steven. I really like Barbies.

  I asked Momma for a Barbie and she said no. I cried and stomped my leg and she still said no because Barbie only has lumps for boobs and they are too big for her waist. I cried for a whole week and even Grandpa came for dinner to help me feel better. He had a piece of lettuce in his hand. I thought Grandpa’s skin was nice and thick like the lettuce except not green. Momma told Grandpa that she wouldn’t buy me a Barbie. Momma said she didn’t like Barbie because she didn’t have a good job. Grandpa laughed. But then the next day Momma said all the Barbie talk made her feel bad and she said Jessica has lots so we can just go to her house. And we went all the time to Jessica’s so I could play with them and it was really special and nice. Jessica and I got to shut the door of her room and make it into Barbie land and we built a castle and made wings and a wand and played and played. I want to go to Jessica’s house now.

  Between my fingers is itchy. I go to the edge of the water so I bend down to swish my hand in the water and I can see my skin again. Stick does it too because he never stops copying. There is a lot of sand on the ground even though we took so much for our bodies. I take my arm and move the sand from the skinny part of the water to outside the water. It stays in a big pile and Stick sees that it’s a good idea. We both take our hands and pull sand up until we have a huge pile of it. I am the boss because I am better at sand castles so I tell Stick what to do and mostly he does. We make it like a volcano and pat the top into a point. The volcano needs a place for lava so I stick my hand in the top and Stick gets mad because he thinks I am busting it down and wants to be the one who busts. He is about to jump on the volcano but I stop him and show him how the lava will come out. He stands by and waits. I build it perfectly at the top so there is a hole for the lava that is smooth down the sides and there is a path at the top for the scientists to walk around and look in and nearly die if the volcano explodes. I need a small stick to be the scientist and he will have a dog so I need that too.

  I tell Stick to look for small sticks to be on the top of the volcano. He is bad at finding sticks in the sand. He doesn’t find them. He needs to get me to look and put them in his hand and he gets all happy and yells “I found it!” and holds it up like he is the king. He didn’t find it and he doesn’t care when I tell him again. And then I am getting tired of watching Stick and doing sand castles and of finding sticks and Stick. I am bored I don’t know what we should do.

  And then I am getting more tired of watching Stick because he tries to put sand in his mouth like it is lunch. I tell him no and I don’t know what we should do even more and why Momma and Daddy are taking too long. We work on training Stick’s inside dog like we practice all summer. I say sit and he sits. I say paw and he gives me a paw and does a really good job because he puts his tongue outside of his mouth and lets it hang down and even a little bit of spit drips from his tongue. I need a leash and a piece of grass is long enough but it is hard to tie around the dog’s neck and my fingers won’t. Stick won’t stay still for long enough.

  “Sit, Stick!”

  He gets up and runs with his fat legs away.

  “No.” I need to punish him. I catch him and push hard. He falls back into the sand and his mouth is like an O.

  I say “No! Bad dog.”

  Sticky cries for a minute again but then I don’t care because maybe he is so bad and he makes all the bad things happen not me. When I don’t care if he cries Stick usually stops so he stops. He goes onto all fours and squeals and hangs his head.

  “Okay, doggie. Bad doggie,” I say. I decide that Stick can be a good dog if he does tricks. I tell him this very loud and slow so he can understand. He sits and I bury his legs but he wiggles so I can’t get everything covered at once. He stands up and shakes off the sand and starts to pee. I watch the pee go over and into the lake in a part circle like a rainbow.

  I put my hand on my head and shake it around and dust comes out. I am very dusty everywhere and some of the dust is in my eyes. Stick dusts his hair too and it goes in his eyes and he squeezes them shut and can’t see. He is stuck with his eyes shut so I have to dust the dust from his dusty eyes. But my hand has dust. My feet that are in the water aren’t dusty and that’s why I have to wash my hands after the bathroom so I try and get him to stick his face in the water and wash his hands. He does only a little so I start to splash him and it’s funny because he is running around and screaming.

  “No splash, Nana.” He shakes a finger at me like a teacher and runs out of the water.

  I follow him out because some of the dust is gone. Stick’s hair looks gray like an old man. His body is streaked with dust and some mud and it makes him look like a zebra and he likes that because he has a book with a zebra. He neighs because he thinks it is actually a horse with stripes and maybe it is I don’t know. He goes up to neigh and eat some grass. I don’t care where he goes because I am tired of watching. I am too hot.

  12.

  I am getting mad at Momma because it is too long. I don’t know why it is so long and she said “I will be there.” And then this is where we are. When I get lost I am supposed to go to the meeting place that is at the front of the grocery store but there are no cash registers with many buttons or rubber belts that slide groceries here. I have worry that I am in the wrong place and maybe Momma is waiting and getting mad.

  The sun is following
me. I walk along the water a little and it comes right by my shoulder. I turn and walk the other way because maybe Momma is here and I don’t see her. The sun is shining too much in my eyes and it walks with me. It is like a balloon that is tied onto my wrist with a string in a double knot. I don’t want the balloon but there is no string so I can’t let it go. It follows me no matter what I do. I walk faster and I jog and then I run and my feet go smack smack smack in the shallow water and then I stop. Sometimes I do that and Jessica will keep running right past me for tag. When I look up the sun knows that I stop and it stops too. The sun is sneakier than Jessica.

  I stand for a minute and I look over and there is Gwen! She is waiting for me on a rock. I reach her and sniff and she is a little bit crunchy like cereal got on her sleeves but I love her so much. Sniffs and hugs for Gwen and we cuddle. She gets some dust on her fur but she doesn’t mind and it’s so good to see her. There are also my pj’s and I think that they might feel good because it’s like going to bed. That’s what Momma said to be in a safe place and wait for her and my bed is the safest place so I’ll get ready. Except we are camping so maybe my safe place is the tent or maybe the cottage or Toronto. I don’t know which bed. I pick up my pj bottoms and they are a little bit almost stuck to the rock and straight and not bendy soft. The ducks have wrinkles. I hold them out to stick a foot in and they get more bendy when I wiggle them so I crunch them into a ball and they are better. I put them on and the dust is itchy but it is okay. I have to pee and I pull them down again and nearly pee in them but I don’t because I bend my knees and pee in the sand just in time. I put the top on too and my skin feels a little bit sore in the dust. I sniff Gwen and look and there is Stick’s pj top too. I pick it up and something is missing. I look at my legs and Stick’s pants aren’t here. I put them on the rock but I think Stick must have put them on already even though I didn’t know he could do it.

  “Sticky?”

  I stand up on the rock and look around. I don’t see Sticky. I hold Gwen up so she can look but she doesn’t see either. I have so much worry and my stomach goes boing. I am supposed to watch Stick. But I am not a babysitter and even when I’m not watching Stick Momma felt bad for leaving too long. Jessica and I had the castle and Ken was the bad guy trying to steal Fairy Barbie’s wand and the Barbies won against him. Jessica said I was Ken the first time and so I was. And then another stealing was about to happen and she said I had to be Ken again. I said no. And Jessica said they are her Barbies so she gets to say. She said bring my own Barbies and I don’t have any. Even though Momma said I could play as long as I want I was so so mad. I stomped my leg at Jessica and I went out of her room and she shut the door behind me so I was out of Barbie land then it was only Jessica’s house and me.

  Jessica’s house is big because her mom is important and there are many rooms and I couldn’t remember which. I only see Jessica’s mom sometimes at the play school when we sang a song. She had black hair that had very many shines and she nodded her hair when she listened to the song and the light went twinkle. My momma’s hair doesn’t have as many shines and she says that is because it was yellow like Stick’s and now it comes out of a bottle. I looked in Momma’s room and I never see a bottle that has her hair inside. I don’t know if Jessica’s mom keeps her hair in bottles and maybe she has a bottle with shines in it. I wanted shines.

  I went to the room that is Jessica’s mom’s and I think so but I’m not sure. The door is closed and I didn’t know if I was bad or if the room has a bottle so I was very quiet and I sneaky turned the doorknob so I wouldn’t get caught. Shines aren’t for kids maybe or I won’t know if babysitters can have them but I am probably not allowed until I am a grown-up. There are no shines and I can’t find Momma. But then she is there anyway. She gives me a cookie and we got in the car and she says she felt bad for leaving me so long. I say give me a Barbie if you feel bad and she says no and I cry and cry so much. Daddy comes home and Momma says I didn’t get a Barbie. That means that Jessica can do whatever she wants. I have to be Ken.

  And the sun is hot and I close my eyes and I don’t know where anyone in my family is and there is supposed to be four people and Gwen. My brain sees Stick’s little round face and a smile with two dots in his cheeks and he is so sneaky and then I think oh no maybe Momma and Daddy came and got Stick. He is having snack and his belly full and his head on Momma’s lap and with a cookie and I don’t have it and I feel mad. I got my pj’s on all by myself and had to watch Stick forever. He gets lunch and a cuddle and that is not fair. Stick didn’t even put all his pj’s on his body and he doesn’t get my cookie. Gwen is mad too because she knows Stick always gets the special things.

  “Momma?” I call out and look.

  I don’t see them on the lake so they must have got out of the canoe. I look up and down and I can’t remember the way I ran from the sun and I’m not sure which way Momma would be.

  I walk along with my feet in the water and Momma said she wouldn’t leave me so long so I call out.

  “Momma! Momma. I’m here. I want lunch too. Don’t forget about me.”

  She doesn’t answer and neither does Daddy and no Stick so I cry and wait. They don’t come and it must be because they are so mad this time. I cry harder to show they better come soon and my tears are dropping in the water at my feet so it is getting deeper and I will drowned in the water if they don’t come and get me soon. I am crying and there is a lake in my body that all the tears come from and it is getting smaller and the lake at my feet is getting bigger at the same time so my inside lake will be dry and I will die and it will be Momma’s fault because she let me keep crying all day and it feels like a long time. I stop because I can’t make any more tears come out. I look up and down and sniff. I can’t see Momma anywhere. I wish the sun would quit following me all the time.

  13.

  I sing a song and walk and da da da down by the bay, where the watermelons grow and I wish I had a big piece of watermelon and I look and there is a lake and no watermelon. I am not supposed to touch the watermelon knife. They are mean to leave me with no lunch and I walk because I will show them and look over and Stick’s pj top is still sitting on a rock. I think maybe Stick is still getting the cookies and he didn’t get his pj’s on yet and it is really really not fair. I grab the pj top because I want to show Momma that he is so naughty and she can’t say it is just because he is a baby because he is not a baby. Babies can’t walk and he can.

  Maybe I can see the picnic blanket and I put my hands on my hips with Gwen in one and the pj top in the other and I look around and in the grass is a big round head. Sticky is there and his face is back to squished tomato and crying. He can see the pj top and knows that he is caught.

  “Stick,” I say.

  He doesn’t answer me he is crying.

  “Stick?”

  “Momma,” he says.

  “Where’s Momma?” I ask.

  “Momma.”

  And he won’t give me another answer so I walk over and then I think maybe he has an owey. He looks a little bit red but not blood red just skin red. He looks sad and he is dusty and dirty and naked and I see a pile of poo is beside him. He always always poops.

  I look around and he is not with Momma or Daddy and there is no lunch. I am glad that Stick didn’t get lunch and I didn’t either but then I feel sad because I am hungry and I wish Stick wouldn’t cry.

  “Hungry, Nana?” he asks.

  Why does he ask me instead of Momma? I don’t know where Momma is. Momma is the lunch.

  “No lunch.” I shake my head.

  Stick is playing with a stick but I can’t because there is a big hole in my tummy like if I could bend down and look then I could see right through it. I put my hand there and it still feels like my tummy but inside is the hole because it is empty. And it goes grrrr and then sounds like the washing machine when it is making the soapsuds up. Stick hears my grrrr too.

  “Hungry, Nana,” he says.

  “I know. Me too.”<
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  “Snock?”

  I know that is Stick talk for snack. “I don’t have any.”

  “Please?”

  Stick looks at me with beggy eyes but that doesn’t make lunch come any more. He thinks I am his babysitter again and that my counter has bread and butter and bananas and maybe even jam. Or pancakes with lots of syrup would be best and some bacon that is soft not burned. I can smell bacon in the air and I look around because I think that someone is cooking it and not sharing and being sneaky but I don’t see anyone at all. It is empty all around us the trees on one side and the wet and mushy grass on the other.

  “Hungry,” says Stick.

  Momma is gone so so long. I have worry that I am in trouble because I don’t listen. I think what Momma said that she will be there. I am supposed to wait in a safe spot and I think that is my bed. Except we are not in Toronto and not at the cottage so then I sleep in the tent. I don’t know anything. I stand up and go to where the water licks the corner of my toes and look at the water. Across the lake is a land and maybe the tent is there and I can take Stick for a ride and go. I have to squint my eyes because there are jewels on the water except not really diamonds just twinkles from the sun. On the land across I see something move and it is in the bushes. It is on the other side of the water away but I can see.

  I watch and I see something moving in the trees on that land. It is a black thing and my tummy knows it’s the black dog. I feel scared and glad to be on this land. The black dog is moving on the land and is sniffing. The air comes out of me in huffs. I hold my breath make it stop and I see that the black dog is nosing around and sniffing and walking to the water that is across the lake from me. I stay quiet and try not to breathe and hope Stick will stay quiet too. The black dog is nosing around like Snoopy but more like the raccoon. Snoopy would be looking for Mrs. Buchanan to get in trouble or even Momma. He wouldn’t be just nosing around like there was no trouble. The black dog is more like the raccoon and sniffs and eats something and puts his nose in the air. He sticks his nose out and sniffs for a minute and then walks slowly along the water.