The Bear: A Novel Page 11

  “Band-Aid?” he asks.

  We both always wonder when we get Band-Aids.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Owey.”

  “What?”

  He turns and doesn’t take his pants off because his pants are gone. On his bum is red and bubbles all over. The black dog has spit on him very much all over.

  “It’s spit.”

  “Owey, Nana.”

  “Bubble bum,” I say.

  “Not fat.” He turns and puts his eyebrows down at me.

  “You have bubbles on your bum. The black dog spit on you with his gob and it is eating your skin off your bum.”

  “Eeeeeee. Bitchy,” he says and he reaches behind to his bum to scratch.

  We both feel really itchy on our skin and inside our whole bodies and we try to scratch and Sticky starts to cry. I wish he didn’t because I want to cry too. I am a big girl and even though I always cry when Momma tells me to stop I can’t. I cry when we pick up Daddy because I hadn’t seen him in a long time. Momma says don’t cry when someone hasn’t seen you because all they remember is that you cry. Not as much that you smile. I still cry and Momma says that she knows we have hard things and she has hard things too. But she says that Daddy is coming and we will all be better now. She says that if you go past the things that are hard you can be so so strong.

  Stick lets out a little noise but he doesn’t cry and we sit under the tree. I am so cold a bit shaky but kind of hot and I don’t feel so good. Stick doesn’t either and he doesn’t say because no English in his brain worms but he goes on his knees and crawls closer to me. He puts his head in my lap and I remember I peed my pants because of the black dog and it stinks but Stick doesn’t care. He lies down and whimpers again like Snoopy and shuts his eyes and I put my hand on him like Momma would.

  “It’s okay,” I say.

  I am so so hungry. I hope it is like that day when we woke up and it was Daddy Day because Momma started to get things ready at the cottage to make a cake and she let us lick the spoon. And Momma let me lick the spoon because we made cake and Daddy was coming to the cottage to be in our family. Maybe it was a mistake that we left him by accident. And we were going to eat the cake. But not the beaters because she doesn’t have a beater at the cottage where you pop out the silver part and lick it. She just stirs with her arm. I got sad about that but then I got to lick the bowl and only give Stick a few dips with his finger so I felt better. We made the cake and I wanted a piece but we had to wait and then I was sad again. But then we got to go swimming in the lake to wash off because we had chocolate on us and all on our faces. Stick had it on both cheeks and some on his forehead even from when he tried to stick his head in the bowl and I stopped him because only a few finger licks. But maybe he snuck around my back because there was even chocolate on his ears and I don’t know how it got there. We duck into the lake and it was cold and the sun was warm and it felt nice. The lake scrubbed us off and we put on just T-shirts over our bathing suits because Daddy will want to swim so we are already ready.

  “Hungry, Nana,” says Stick.

  I pat his head so his inner dog feels nice. “Me, too, Stick.”

  I am hungry. I remember I saw Daddy’s paddle lying on the beach and broken. I don’t know how to fix a paddle. It is on the beach on the island and I don’t even know where that is anymore. I saw it from far away. Momma tied on our life jackets and we got to sit in the very front of the boat in a seat that is squishy but there was a crack that bites my leg so I put Stick on that side. When I sit the life jacket goes up nearer my ears but on Stick it puts him in a headlock and he has to have a strap that goes under his dingle and I’m glad I don’t have that anymore. I love the smell of gas so I sniff it when the boat starts and Stick puts his arms in the air and yells “Yay” because he loves the boat. Stick looks the wrong way so I punch him and point to the dock and he yells and tries to stand up but he’s not allowed. I pull him back to the seat and he tips over because a life jacket is stuffed under his chin.

  “Can you get him, Anna?”

  I know Momma meant I should watch Stick in the boat. I tipped him right way up and I looked back and Momma was smiling and she said “Thank you” and looked so pretty and happy. I knew that she loved me so much and that I found Stick by the dock when he was lost. And that’s how we remembered to get Daddy.

  “Go home,” says Stick.

  I want to go home too. I want to eat cake. I want to look out and see Daddy standing on the dock. He is not in two pieces he is in just one piece and his eyebrows and darker skin than me and big white teeth and smile that makes me warm. I know that Stick thinks Daddy just stands on the dock waiting for us the whole time. That’s why Stick was watching the lake. And he thinks that Daddy stands behind the garden gate waiting until dinnertime when he comes back through to see us and eat. But when I look at Daddy standing from far away on the dock I think I don’t know how long he has been standing there and it might be a really long time. Even though we didn’t let him in the car he found a way to get to the dock and that’s why his smile is so big. Maybe he came before the nighttime and was standing there and the cottage only has one phone and postcards from Grandpa. When Grandpa calls on the phone I am supposed to say to him that Daddy is not there or he is working but not that Daddy is not in our family. It is a secret. He is still in our family he is just not there because of a break and Grandpa doesn’t need to know. And maybe if Stick is right and Daddy was standing for too long on the dock he got scared in the night standing there but he didn’t know we would find him but we did and so everything is okay.

  I want to go home. Momma pulls the boat away from the dock really slow after we make cake and lick spoons and wash off to be clean. We got through rocks and past Mr. and Mrs. Henderson’s house and they are sitting on their dock with books and they both look happy and wave. When the lake gets bigger we speed up but it’s not as fast as Daddy goes so I am happy we are getting him. When I see Daddy on the dock he has work clothes on but except he has taken off the shirt and put on a T-shirt for the cottage. His hair looks more shaggy and I think he changed but not too much. His briefcase is at his feet and that makes me worry because I know inside is papers that will make my momma huff and glasses that make Daddy huff when I touch them. Also my pens and special pocket for paper so when I need to do work I have it there and can reach it but not other things because they are too important. I look at the dock and Daddy is still waving and now I see he has the biggest smile and many teeth show out loud on his face because he is really happy that we remembered. And he likes cake and maybe he knows it is chocolate. Daddy doesn’t like to be away from us but we forgot him.

  “He is at work,” I told Stick because I know that’s what he will believe and even though he was gone from us for longer and I’m not allowed to tell Grandpa or Stick or the summer friends even though I knew he was gone.

  Daddy sees us when we are still far away and that is because Momma drives the boat slow because she always does and because we are near the marina and you are not supposed to make super waves to knock all the boats around. This is stupid because the funnest part is the big waves that make Stick and I go whoa whoa. But I am not allowed to say stupid so I don’t say it I just look up and see Daddy. He has a big smile on his face and an arm over his head that is going back and forth to say hello. It is so far away I don’t know if it is Daddy and then I know it is because sometimes I can just tell and Momma yells over the motor “Can you see your dad?”

  “Home, Nana,” says Stick.

  Stick looks so sad and my heart drips again. I have worry that we didn’t forget Daddy this time. He went away on his own and isn’t here because of different things. Maybe he is standing on the dock and waiting with a big smile but we are not coming for him because we don’t have a boat and I don’t have Momma near me. I can’t get Daddy and so we are not together and it is my fault. The paddle is broken and I don’t know where it is.

  “Don’t worry, Daddy,” I whispe
r with my hand on Stick’s head and under the tree and near the fort but nothing else that I know where it is. “We are coming.”

  I see Momma on the dock and Daddy grabs the rope and they hug for a really long time. They kiss and I start to cry and I don’t know why but it is my heart dripping. Stick tries to climb out of the boat for hugs. I have to pull his life jacket because he can fall into the crack between and get into the water and smooshed by the boat. I pull him back and he screams at me to stop. He wants to hug Daddy. I want to hug Daddy and Momma too but they are hugging each other and Daddy is saying things to Momma’s ear and I don’t want them to stop because then maybe we are always together even though I want a hug soon. I look at them and it is our family with two parents and two kids and we are supposed to be like that. We went and got Daddy and it made everyone so so happy again. We were four.

  21.

  We are only two just Stick and me only. I feel scared that the black dog is coming soon and look to the open grassy wet and that isn’t a place I know. We waited in the forest and it’s not the spot either.

  “We need to find Daddy, Stick.”

  “Okey.”

  “We need to go.”

  Stick doesn’t answer. I look farther away and there is a line that goes into the bush and it’s like a trail that Daddy makes around the cottage for walks. A path. There is one from the boat to the cottage but you can go longer around the whole way and that is long. I can do it but Stick can’t make it without a carry. I can do it but I will need to watch out for snakes because Daddy or Momma goes first to watch. I can surprise a snake but a grown-up sees a snake before it gets surprised.

  Stick is scratching his bum on the ground and I wish he had pants for the important hike but he needs to go with no pants. I pull on the back of my pj’s because they are showing my bum smile. We take water on hikes in bottles and Stick and I don’t have bottles. I wave him over and he follows me but his feet are draggy. He is going so slow and the black dog could catch him in one step. I bend down and drink from the puddle and I scoop chocolate milk water in my hands for Stick. He tries to hang his tongue out like his inside dog but he doesn’t really think it lives inside him this time. He licks up a little from my hands and it feels better on my hands so I stick them in the puddle and the mud is better. I scoop muck up and put it on my hands and arms and I think aaaaah. It doesn’t itch for one second and phew. Stick is watching me and even though I still don’t like him I tell him to turn around and I take a big scoop of muck and tell him to stay still. He screams really loud and runs away because he thinks I will beat him in a mud fight. I don’t care because there is all the mud for me.

  I find bubbles on my legs and arms when I scrunch up my pj’s and I cover all the places with mud. It feels better that way and a little cold but the mud is warm and it will soak through to my bones and is making me better and taking away the powers from the black dog spit. I am all mud and I get up to find my spear to keep the black dog away because I don’t want any more spit on my skin or it will melt off and I will be only bones like at the museum hanging on wires. I get it in my hand and try once more to spear. I let out a big roar and I spear down. No bones!

  “Rwoooooooooooar,” I say and I know I can beat the black dog and I must find where Daddy is waiting. I don’t know this time if that is at the dock and the cottage or Toronto.

  I hear sniffy sounds and Sticky is crouched down like Snoopy in trouble and looks like he thinks I will hit him. Like maybe I saw Mrs. Buchanan swat with a magazine rolled into a tube like inside paper towel but she says to Momma she didn’t.

  “I can get the black dog,” I tell Stick.

  He sniffles again because he thinks he is a dog and maybe I have magazines in rolls and I see that he doesn’t know English enough with too many worms in his head to know what I am saying. And he was asleep so he doesn’t know about the enemy and babies don’t know even though he is not really a baby anymore.

  “Come on,” I say. “We are going.”

  He whimpers again. “Go?”

  I think Stick wants to know where. I try to think and I close my eyes and remember before I ever played with Barbie and Momma got so mad for me begging. I used to be a good girl and Momma ran my bath at nighttime. She checked the water and told me to put a foot in and say if it was right and so many bubbles came up to my chin. We played for a long time for so long and I had a boat and Momma helped me make a river through all the bubbles so my boat could get through on a journey. We played a lot of things. She stirred up the water for more bubbles. We made me a beard and new hair out of bubbles that stuck up with horns. She lifted me up so I could see in the mirror and we laughed. The bubbles went pop pop pop and they went to bubble heaven and the water was just like gray dirt because I was at the park so much time with the sand. Momma helped me lie back and she put her hand under my head so that I could float in the water. She said that is so good I will be able to swim at the cottage in the summertime. I felt so happy and Momma hums the song and I sing our bath song with her too. She smiles and says my hair is floating like seaweed. She laughed and said she thought it was funny and she did the floating song with Grandpa when she was a little girl.

  I need to be good and make us four and get back to the tub.

  “Come on.” I wave at Stick and start to walk the pathway and holding my spear in case of the black dog. At the end should be the cottage and I get Momma and the boat and we will go to Toronto and find our family will be four.

  I walk and I want to go fast because Toronto is a long way home. I hear breathing behind me. I check quickly because of the black dog and it is Stick and I know that. He is always following me and I tell him he needs to walk faster. He moves his arms like he is walking his fastest and swinging his arms but he is going so slow and I keep saying “Hurry up.” He looks sad and keeps itching. He didn’t want the mud on his black dog spit place so he wouldn’t let me help and it’s his fault. We walk on the path and there are a lot of bushes on it that hit me in the face. I let a big one go and I hear a scream and I look back and Stick has been whacked on the head with it. I help him stand up again. I tell him not to walk so close.

  I tell him to go faster to keep up. We are walking and there are very many bushes on the path and someone is not very good at making a path. I keep walking and pushing through and I feel a leaf that is wet. It shakes on me and gets my pj arm wet too. I stop and I am frozen because I don’t know why it is wet and then I get scared that it maybe is spit from the black dog. Maybe he is making me follow him or I am very close. I listen very much around me because it is hard to see from all the bushes and I hear something come so I turn and hold out the spear. The bushes wiggle and then they go apart. I get so scared and my breath flies out and I go “Ha.” And I see Stick pops through the leaves again.

  “You are lucky I didn’t stab you,” I yell at him.

  He has cuts on his face and he is crying and he tries to talk but I can’t understand because of all this snot and it just sounds like baby talk.

  “You can’t sneak up at me,” I yell back. I don’t like him crying because that scares me too. There are more wet leaves around us. One drool goes on my forehead and one goes on my cheek and it’s like the black dog is working to scare us on purpose and there is a lot of spit in his mouth because he is about to eat a feast.

  I know he is close because even the black dog can’t spit far. I stab into the bushes with my spear and Stick starts to scream and I need him to shut up because I can’t hear the black dog and I yell at him to be quiet and he screams louder. Every time he screams I get more scared because it means I can’t hear when the black dog will pounce. I stab into the bushes and I turn around and try to look all ways but I can’t see. There is a dark spot and I run for it and I stab but my spear flies out of my hand and goes away. And with Stick crying and shouting the black dog knows where we are and is finding us and spitting.

  The spit is like rain. And the spit starts to go into my hair I am getting wetter and wet
ter in the spit and soon I won’t be able to move but at least Stick has stopped screaming and I can only hear him crying a little. My last chance is to get the spear in my hand and try to stab before I freeze and have to watch my body get eaten. He will start with my legs and chew them off so I won’t be dead yet. He will eat my arms and chew out my belly even though it is empty. I won’t get dead until he has eaten so much and it is only when he decides it is time to eat my head for dessert that the lights will go off and it’s bedtime except I get dead. I push around in the leaves for my spear and I know it is here. I keep looking for a long time and each time I push away a bush and it’s not there I feel more and more scared. It is raining hard and there is water all over me and I am shaking and so so cold and I think I will probably get dead.

  22.

  I can’t find my spear and I stop looking because it is not here anymore. Near me it’s only bushes. I push away from them and then there my spear is on the ground. I get it in my hand and I am glad, but then I can’t see because of so many bushes. I get out to a place with mud on the ground. I am all wet and the black dog has turned everything to wet rain and is waiting. But then I see it is a stump and there are only stumps and they look dead. The dead stumps look like an army that got beat and they are all dead so they rot. The wood is like splinters down the side and there is black on them and mushrooms. I hold the spear and watch. I don’t like the stumps and want to get away. It is grayer but not nighttime. It feels like a bigger monster flew into the sky and its belly is hiding the sun from me. I shiver from the cold and my kneecaps have come loose. I think they might drop onto the ground and then I will have to look for them. So they won’t fall off I crouch down by one of the stumps and keep my knees bent with the caps on the top of my legs. I hug my legs. Then I look behind me for Stick. He is not there. He always follows me and I can’t ever stop him most times and now he isn’t there. I walk back a bit because I think he sat down on his bum. No Stick. I call him and he doesn’t say anything back. I wait and I think he will come and he doesn’t come. I feel a big cry in my eyes and my stomach goes around. “Stick?” I yell again and no one answers me. I am one.