The Bear: A Novel Page 12
I keep yelling and I stab in the bushes and I saw Stick on the path and I don’t know where it is anymore. The rain is more and big drops knock on my head. I keep going through the bushes and tackle my way and it looks clear in front of me so I think I will see our fort. I push the bushes away and see the dead stumps again and I don’t know why. They are in front when I left them behind me, so they jumped over my head and sat down here. It smells like wet shoes. My feet are soaked except no shoes and so just the skin is turning white and wrinkles. I shiver and the rain seems to turn up more and there is no fort. I wish I could go back to the fort if the cottage is not here. I look up and down to remember the path again and it has jumped away from me too.
I don’t like it being alone. I have so much worry for Stick and I have my spear in my hand and I hold it tight but my body is feeling sleepy. I don’t know if I can fight a black dog and maybe I am not a brave queen that can do a battle or even just a brave princess. I cry and cry and I think there are tears in my eyes and down my face but I don’t even know because there is so much water and it is raining and that adds in with my tears and no one can see me. My snot gets out of my nose and my body does little throw-ups to push my tears out so hard. I cry and nothing makes me feel better. I know something bad has happened and I look at my hands. Gwen is not there. I don’t know where she is. I try and think and stop crying to get myself back in but I can’t. My whole body has gone away because I am one and that is not enough to be in a family so I am lost too. I got left behind. I need to get back because maybe they don’t know I am gone. It is hard to think because the rain is banging so hard on my head. I put my head in my knees and I stare at the ground and my arms are over my head. My arms are a little bit like an umbrella but not that good. My brain can work without the banging of the drops and I think where is Gwen? Does she know I am gone or did she leave me on purpose because I was bad? And maybe she is jealous because I wanted Barbie and so so mad. I could like her to sniff even if she is wet and where is Stick? He is so warm. He was in the bushes and his face got bloody and the black dog was there. Everyone is gone. Just one and maybe one.
I have to squint out to see through the rain and I look to see if Stick or Gwen is close to me. Usually he tries to follow me all the time. He breathes and I hear it through his nose and if I stop he bangs into my bum because he follows so close. He is not beside me and he is not one of the stumps or sitting by the stumps. I stand up and look from higher but there is no Sticky. I know that he is scared and he doesn’t like rain and he will really want me like I want Gwen but no one has anyone anymore. The rain comes more and it beats me back down to hugging my knees and I cry harder now because Sticky can’t even hug his knees and stay on his feet because he is too fat. I don’t know where he is.
Electric lightning starts. There is a flash everywhere and someone has turned on the lights and there are not lights. It flicks once and twice and God is making the lights show everything around me that looks like the black dog but it is not except I’m not sure because the electric lightning blinks too fast on and off on and off and I can’t see. I see it like knives in the sky and I am not supposed to be outside. It might hit my head because there are only stumps and I am a little bit taller. And the electric goes again and I hear the angels banging and I know they are very mad and God is mad because Stick is gone and I am very bad because I lost him and that is what I was supposed to do is watch.
“Stick!” I shout.
I listen but I don’t hear him not even whining. I want to call Gwen too but she can’t walk without me to carry her.
“Sticky! Stick!” I stand up and the rain hits me on every side of my body and I shout both his names over and over and my throat has claws that are ripping me and I am so scared and my kneecaps wiggle so much they will fall and my tummy heaves and I have a little barf and my arms are so bubbled and red and my face is hot and might fall off but I have to keep calling and I shout for Stick for the longest time I can. And finally I can’t shout because my voice isn’t making noise out of my throat. My legs fall down and I am on the ground and my heart has shaken loose and rolled away. I can’t open my eyes. All I see is my lids and black and I can barely feel the rain but the itchy black is eating up my skin from the outside and crawling all through my blood. I want to get up but I can’t. Only my brain can think so everything is black and I can’t move. He has pushed me over and is eating my insides and melting away my skin. The black dog is inside me.
23.
I am one. My body is wet and it is dark and I can feel my teeth are jumping in my mouth because they want to get away from the black dog. They are very scared. The rain is falling on my body and I roll and it won’t stop. I am so cold and the hole in my stomach is gone because the rain filled it up. I am empty except the space is getting so full of water that you can see right through me and a goldfish could swim anywhere in my body and not get stuck. The stumps are all around me and the fish is not here.
I think of where Momma and Daddy are. When I was with them we paddled in the canoe and I sat on top of Coleman because he takes up so much room in the canoe. Stick and Daddy were singing near the front of the canoe because Momma is the best at paddling and goes in the back with me and Coleman. The canoe rocked a little and the water was chop chop chop. I needed to get off Coleman and down in the canoe in front of Momma so weight comes off the top and doesn’t make us so tipsy. Momma put her paddle across the edges of the canoe and folded her sweatshirt for the bottom so it didn’t hurt my bum. She helped me slide off Coleman because he is so big and he has to fit sideways in between the bars to fit so it is a long way. I like the canoe with Momma because I have her all for me and no Stick close by. We were close to the island and she looked at the map and picks a place on this side because the moon is nearly full and that is when it is round with no dents. She and I talked a lot too. She said “We are four again.”
And the rain has stopped and it is so dark. It is dark inside my eyes and through my eye crack. I think I am dead so nothing matters but something is squishy on my face. I am lying on the ground and curled into a ball. I am so cold it is a freezer. There is no thunder or electric lightning anymore. It is silent like after a storm and that is more quiet than anything else. I was in between Momma and Daddy after the lightning at the first night in the tent. I wish I was there again even though I was so scared because the bang was right above our head. When Momma counted there was no more numbers between the light and the bang and that’s how we knew the storm was right there. Momma and Daddy and me lay on our backs and had the sleeping bag tucked up so much it didn’t even touch the sides of the blue tent. Stick was pushed at the other side of the tent and sleeping and that was nice for me. We stared at the ceiling of the tent and we could see the branches of the trees bobbing around. The rain sounded like it was dropping onto a raincoat and that is one of my favorite things. The drops went slower. Daddy said in a whisper voice that it was so dark the moon was still climbing up and I didn’t know where it went but it was so quiet I didn’t want to make my voice out loud. We lay there and listened to the rumbles get softer and less drops and they traveled off to across the lake and there are no other tents so to a land far away and we kept listening and I didn’t even move or wiggle and we listened until they were all gone.
Momma even fell asleep but the snoring was from Sticky not her. Daddy put his finger to his lips to tell me shh and picked me up with his muscles like I was a baby. Normally I’m not a baby anymore but I was snuggled on his shoulder and no one could see so it was nice to be the baby. Daddy put a blanket around us like Batman’s cape so I’d be warm. He walked out through the zip door. His chin and the whiskers were there and they would grow because he is on our holiday. His feet on the needles were soft and he was walking on our campsite toward the lake. He laughed a little rumble in his chest that I hear because my ear was smooshed against it and warm. He stood on the edge of the beach and I knew because I could hear the water lick at the stones and I could smell it b
eing warm and deep too. I could hear a creaking that sounds like a sad ghost and Daddy said it was just a tree feeling old and grumpy. And he told me “Look” and I turned my head even though I like his warm chest on my cheek and looked out and there was a big moon that was hanging above the water like it might fall in but it didn’t. It just hung and looked like the glitteriest gold and it had a big long tail that is stretching across the top of the water and came to reach Daddy’s toes. He stood there and we both looked and it was like the moon was talking through the light and saying things about love.
“The tail looks like a path across the water,” he said. “We can follow it and get to the moon.”
And Daddy said he was so happy to be with us and that we were in Algonquin Park and that was a good way to be four.
I open my eye crack and roll and I am soaked and my teeth are jumpy. I see something peek up through the trees and I can see it is the moon. It is hanging and round with just one side a little bit slanted like it got a small bang too. I see it shine in my eyes and even though I am so cold it makes my bones a little more warm and my eyes are dropping again and I am too tired but I know what the moon says and so I nod a little with one cheek scraped on the ground.
“I’ll come.”
24.
My eye cracks see light and I open them again for the moon but this time it is light and there is smoke all around. I think it is a fire and I sit right up. My head is pounding and what happened to the moon? I look for it straight ahead. It is gone and I feel empty but then I think I know where it was. I can go there still and be close for when it comes back because it always does and I can take the path. I try to stand up and my legs are floppy and like pipe cleaners except not as fuzzy. I have to use my hands to get them in the right place to keep me up. I see my spear on the ground and I want to pick it up so I have to use my hands again to bendy my knees and get it. I try and hold the spear up but it feels too heavy and I keep looking up so that I can remember when I saw the moon and so I can walk to meet it. The spear keeps tilting to the ground and stabbing but not a lot so I let it. I take a step forward. I balance on the spear and it is like an old man and that’s what I am now because I am all alone. I take a step and I move my spear forward and that’s how my feet know how to follow. I point my spear to where the moon used to be and I hope will be again and take more steps.
Bang
I hear a loud noise. It goes again like a firecracker except that it is not a black sky to see lights and there is no party.
Bang
It is a gun. It goes again or maybe like the hunter is coming and he has a gun. The black dog may have been running from the hunter too now he is inside me. I wonder if the hunter will try and shoot me.
Bang
And I know the hunter has a gun.
Bang
This is a naughty hunter who uses his gun too much. I don’t have a gun or shoes so I feel so scared. I keep walking and I bump into a stump and that was the wrong way if the stump was there so I turn and go the other way. I want to run but my legs won’t let me run. My throat must have the blisters now too because it feels so sore I can’t swallow like normal not even for food. I put a foot down and another foot in front of that and I can’t hear the hunter at all. I wonder if there is any food left and so I hope he doesn’t eat the rest of the cookies because he is hungry after a battle with the black dog. I hope he leaves some for me even though I have no shoes. I feel sores all on my body. I don’t think Momma has enough Band-Aids so I will keep just walking without any. I have a think about the black dog and how he lives in my tummy now and he growls. That explains why it is hard to move because he is heavy so I must go slow. Once he lives in my stomach he won’t want to leave so I will need to carry him and it’s okay but heavy.
I keep walking and the black dog is with me and I guess he likes walking to the moon because he starts to feel softer. I feel something on my back and I turn and there is a little peek of light coming through the trees. The sun is reaching his arms through the trees and trying to warm everybody up. He puts a hand on my face and I turn to keep walking and he smiles on my back.
“Thank you,” I say quiet.
I feel better because I am not just one if the black dog is with me. I sit on the ground for a minute to make my head think. I put my hand on my stomach to pat the black dog and we have a little talk. The black dog is quiet and talks in a soft voice. I don’t have to have so much worry. I feel better when I sit and maybe he is helping me be okay. He says the hunters have stopped and they are not hungry anymore so no guns that we can hear. He says that I was very bad because I wanted too many Barbies. I lost Sticky. Last time I lost Stick Momma was looking in the closet and I found him. Then that made Momma remember we left Daddy. He came back. He said we were going to walk on the path to the moon. Momma said “We will be there.” She means the moon.
I need to find Stick. I will look for a long time always forever. That is first. I stand up and start walking and my body is feeling warmer and the black dog starts to purr kind of like a grrrr gaaaa but softer. Kind of like a cat but a scary growl too so I know that even though he is there he will sometimes be nice to me when I am doing what he wants and being a good girl. He purrs louder and I keep moving my feet even though it’s so hard but my spear goes forward and I keep it in my hand. The black dog is even happier and the purr is loud. I know that I need to keep walking to keep him like that. There is a snort in the purr and what if there is two black dogs? There is one in my tummy and he says he is just the one. But I still hear the other purr and I am bad so the hunter is coming to get me now? The purr sounds more like a man and I think maybe the hunter ate everything and he saw smoke coming from my head and they are going to get me and creep through the bushes on their toes so I don’t see. I stop and listen and it does sound like a big man who is making the noises and pretending to trick me so I use my hands to bend my knees more so I am ready.
And then I worry that the hunter got Stick. I need to rescue Stick from the hunter and I miss Stick so much and I wish he never went away. I want to see him so we can go and get Momma and Daddy. I love Stick and I need to save him. I feel sick because I didn’t watch and it is my fault. I will never ever not watch Stick again and I tell that to God if he helps me find him. I try to hold up my spear and my arm is floppy. I see that God is not going to help so I try asking Jesus. He is a carpenter and could make me a real sword so I ask for that and nothing. I ask again and remember please and he doesn’t say anything and all I have is me and the black dog in my belly and there is nothing else.
I know the hunter is very smart. I put my spear on my shoulder and that is better and I can stab him fast from here and get Stick from him if my arm will listen. I take a step forward so maybe they will see my bare toes. I have to push some of the bushes out of the way and I know they will see my bush pushing and maybe I will see theirs so I watch like I have eagles in my eyes but I see a bush wiggle around me. I take another step and there is a bush wiggle just ahead. It is a wiggle enough to know the hunter is hiding and has Stick trapped as his prisoner. I get the spear up and watch the wiggle and it must be the hunter is hiding down in the bottom of the bush because I can’t see him at all and he is very sneaky.
I think the hunter is too sneaky but the black dog in my belly gives a rumble and I think yes it is okay. I put my hand on the black dog one more time and I know he will help. I will stab my spear in as hard as I can and scare the hunter enough and then start a battle and the black dog will jump out to fight beside me. Or I have a worry that the black dog will jump out and get me dead and I’m not sure which one. But I have to save Stick so I need to try and not have worry. But then I start to get scared about what is going to happen and if I start to shake it will be too late. I open my mouth and then put out a big roar and I think that I should do that second and do my spear first but I can already hear the roar but it isn’t so loud. I make it louder and I lift the spear and I chuck it into the bushes as hard as I can and it goes in
pretty good. It spears into a soft part of the mud and stands up and I feel a little happy because that means it stuck.
I must have got the hunter dead through the heart and he can’t move or anything. Quiet and no bushes are moving or talking. He is not around and there is only one hunter because they creep through the bushes apart from each other and I don’t hear any others. But his friends might not see because they aren’t coming to help or else this is a hunter that maybe has no friends. I stick out my foot for a step and push the bush and I see the spear is in the ground and I feel a little sad because there’s no dead hunter. The black dog does not jump out to help. I pull to get my spear back from the ground. It comes out and then I take a step and my bare foot hits something. I pull my foot back and my hair goes prickle and I feel scared and look down. I have stepped on a leg that is sticking out from the bushes. If it is a hunter’s leg then maybe but I don’t think it is because there’s no boots. I take a step back and my hair is all prickled even on my arms and I want to run but my legs won’t move fast enough. I think the black dog will jump out of me for a feast and maybe on me because he is so hungry and only likes me when I’m brave. But he doesn’t jump again and he keeps purring and doesn’t move. So I am stuck in place with a black dog and feet that are stuck in one spot and I look at the leg that is lying on the ground and it is small. I reach with my spear and I push it and the skin pushes in so much.